You probably want to read this!

So last Friday, exactly a week ago, I was at work. We all carry wireless phones with us because we have alot of emergent situations and need to reach anesthesia, NNICU, OB, etc, and they need to be able to reach us as well, plus it is just convenient when we are stuck in a patient's room for 3 hours pushing with them. Long story short, I had a call transferred to my wireless phone and answered with the usual, "labor and delivery, this is Olivia" The person on the other line said, "Hey Olivia, its Erin from Nightlight Christian Adoptions" I could not mentally separate myself from work, and thought, why is an adoption agency calling my phone? And then it clicked, she wanted to talk to ME! I was like, Oh Erin! Right! She asked if I had a few minutes to talk, and thankfully my patient had already delivered, so I actually did have a few minutes.

Erin then told me that she had a birth mother sitting in her office who was set to deliver in a week. She planned to give her baby up for adoption and had a family all picked out but at the last minute they dropped out because Amom lost her job.  Erin asked me to call Dan and ask him what he thought and then to call her back and we could do a conference call with the Bmom. We of course said YES! We talked to Bmom and she sounded really excited too. Then I found out she was scheduled for an amniocentisis on Wednesday, 9/21 and if the baby's lungs were mature, they would do a c-section 9/22, which at the time was only 5 days away!  After this phone call I still had half a shift to work, and I almost passed out due to shock. I am so glad that I work with such amazing girls, because they knew what was going on and could help me get through the day!

A little more about the situation. I dont want to say too much because I want to respect Bmom's privacy. Bmom has two children at home and did not plan for this pregnancy. She has hid her pregnancy from friends and family which is why she wanted to deliver on 9/22 (The lungs were not mature so she is still pregnant) her family is out of town this weekend so she wanted to deliver before they got back.

Back to the story, after the phone call friday, I called Bmom on Saturday and we chatted and got to know eachother a little better. It is truly amazing how much God has changed my heart and opened it up to new things. A year ago, I told Dan I had no interest in domestic adoption, I was only open to doing international adoption. Obviously that changed! Then once we started the process, I said that I only wanted to do a closed adoption. The idea of open adoption terrified me! Now Bmom and I are texting back and forth every day. I feel so blessed that I will know so much about my daughter's bmom, who she is, where she came from, her likes and dislikes, etc. And we've grown to really care about her! We dont know how much of a role she will play in the baby's life after she is born, but we are so grateful to have gotten to know her a little bit. Wednesday, two days ago, we drove up to the area she lives (I dont want to say where on the interest to protect her privacy) We met her at the agency, then drove to lunch. I was soo nervous. She had the amnio that morning, and we were awaiting the results to find out if the c-section would be the next day! I think Bmom was nervous too, but thankfully my super-laid back husband joked around and we all loosened up. After lunch we went to her dr's appointment with her and she found out the results of the amnio. She was absolutely crushed that she couldn't have the baby this weekend. She is terrified of her mom finding out. I felt so bad, I wished I could take her pain away. She cried for a little bit. We went to the scheduler's office to schedule the surgery for the following week. Bmom pulled herself together knowing she had no choice. She is most concerned about who will watch her children while she delivers. The surgery is set for...(drum roll please!) Tuesday, September 27th at 0800. My baby will be born less than 5 days! After the appointment we stood out in the parking lot and talked for another 20 minutes. This time no one was nervous, I think mostly since we knew the plan for delivery. We absolutely adore Bmom, she is a remarkable woman.

Ok, so, what am I thinking about everything? Well, most people know about the stages of grief;denial, anger, etc. I like to think that I have been going through the stages of JOY. For two days, Dan and I were both completely in shock. I have never actually been in shock (not medically speaking, just emotionally) but now I know what it feels like. I felt as though I was in some amazingly wonderful dream and then I would wake up and it wouldn't be real. I felt like i was floating. Shock turned into excitement (stage two of JOY). I couldn't think about anything else and had a smile permanently plastered to my face. All I could think about is holding my sweet baby girl in my arms and knowing she is mine forever. Well this week, mostly yesterday, excitement turned into terror. If you ask the girls at work, they will tell you that was quite possibly having a panic attack. Am I afraid to be a parent? Not at all;quite the opposite in fact. I am TERRIFIED that this won't work out, that something will happen, her mom will find out and try to stop her, and our dreams will be shattered. I want to be a mama soo bad, and I just feel in my heart that this little baby girl is meant to be ours. I have heard about things falling apart right before the birth and I know its a risk we take, but I am honestly really scared that it could happen to us. I do not think Bmom will change her mind, she is very committed to this plan, but if her family finds out, who knows what could happen.

So what stage am I in today? I would like to call today's stage, Cautiously Thrilled. I want to guard my heart, but at the same time I know that this little girl will be born in 5 days and there is a very good chance she will be ours. We have a name picked out, and I will announce it after she is born (some of you already know it, please dont post it just yet!).

Also, I know that the Lord is at work in this situation. This is not by accident. There are so many little signs and reassurances that God has given to us (especially to me, the worrier) For example, we went to church on Saturday night because I had to work on Sunday. Now, our church is huge, and we just happened to sit behind a girl that works on my floor. She is not a labor and delivery nurse, but I recognized her from giving her a patient on post partum. After the service I tapped on her shoulder and she immediately recognized me as well. I shared with her what had been going on and how we had known for exactly 1 day that we were going to be parents soon. She has two children and has had a heart for adoption so naturally she was really excited for us. We both just happened to also be working the next day. So on Sunday, she came over to L and D and said she had a gift for me. She wanted to preface it by saying it was something she picked up at Target about a week prior and felt compelled to buy it, she didnt know why. ( I am probably going to start crying now!) Well it was a Little Golden Book about adoption. It's called "A Blessing From Above" and it's about a Kangaroo that really wants to be a mommy. She walks through nature and sees all of these different animal families together. One day she sits underneath a tree. Above her is a nest full of baby birds. One of the birds gets pushed out of the nest and falls right into Kangaroo's pouch. The mama bird looks down and realizes her nest was too full and that this baby needed a mama to care for her. I started crying when I read this because it is exactly the same story that Bmom and I share together. She had too many children at home and simply cannot handle another one. Also, my mother in law told me last night it was exactly 9 months ago that we told her we were having trouble getting pregnant and wanted her to pray for us. WOAH!

So what can you do to help? Pray Pray Pray!!! I told Bmom that this situation is truly in the Lord's hands now, and there is nothing we can do but wait and pray. I am already soo blessed by our friends and family that have surrounded us, shared in our joy and encouraged us. I wanted especially thank my beautiful friend Carissa Graham. She has given us virtually everything we need for our baby, clothes, a crib, carseat, and much more. I am so thankful! And I know so many of you have already been praying for us and for Bmom and baby to be.

I said I wouldn't do this but...

I just felt like I had to conclude my post from last week. Alas, our portfolios STILL haven't arrived (what is the deal UPS) and the birthmother was shown two portfolios this morning and chose one of them.

Sigh. My initial reaction was sadness,then I immediately realized something. This was not meant to be our baby. There a reason our portfolios haven't arrived yet and there were not shown today. The couple that was chosen has probably waited alot longer than we have, and God meant for that baby to go with that family.

"My ways are not your ways!" God keeps reminding me of this and I am realizing more and mor how out of my hands this whole situation is. The other day I started looking at nursery ideas at projectnursery.com and just got SO excited. If we got a call tomorrow saying there was a baby for us, I would be overjoyed. But the realty is that we will probably be waiting a while and that is ok to.

Since I entered the blogging world I have realized just how many people go through infertility issues. I even remember when we first went to the fertility center to get testing done, and I looked around the waiting room and saw that it was completely packed with people just like us, wanting to be parents. Why does this happen to so many good, "well deserving" people? Well, this side of heaven, we probably won't know. But what I do know is that no one us deserve the immense blessings we have received (count em, seriously!) and that we don't deserve someone who would die in our place but we have a Savior who did that, free of charge, expecting nothing in return but only because of His great love for us. I know that not everyone reading this blog believes in Jesus but I can't help but talk about Him because of what he's done for me. He is real and he loves you just as much as he loves me, whether you believe it or not :)

One more thing i have learned about since entering the blogging world is embryo adoption. I had no idea how common and even popular this is. At first I thought the idea was kind of strange (carrying a pregnancy donor embryos and "adopting" them) but I now think it is kind of neat. Similarly to donor eggs, you can choose what type of biological parents you want your embryo to come from. For example, I could choose to become pregnant with an embryo from Chinese parents, which is cool! I would deliver a Chinese baby, how strange but kind of neat is that? I don't know if we would ever do this. It's a risk(like any adoption) in that the embryos may not tAke or you can miscarry. It's a neat idea though. I personally (and please don't be offended) feel called to adopt a child or newbor that is in need of a home at this time. I think if I really wAnted to experience a pregnancy, I would look a little closer. But really I just want to be a mama and it does not matter as much if the baby comes from my belly.

Well now I am rambling, and need to go to bed so i can take care of all of my crazy interesting laboring patients in the morning. :)

<3 Olivia

Ups and Downs

Well we still haven't gotten our portfolios from Snapfish yet, which is frustrating. I decided that I am not really going to post anything else about the matching process because there are just too many ups and downs and uncertainties. Thanks for all of your encouragement, and keep praying! We know God has a special baby out there for us:)

Olivia

Potential birthmother!

So normally our agency won't tell us if they are showing our portfolio, but we haven't received ours yet from snapfish and our social worker contacted us to see when we might get it because she is going to show it to someone next week, and she has only 2 other families that could be matched with the birthmother. Yikes! I will keep you posted! pray without ceasing!

Profile Up and Running!

Our profile is now available for viewing on the agency website! Nightlight.org, go to Programs, then Domestic Adoption, then Waiting Families. For your convience I have provided a link. =)

http://nightlight.org/adoption-services/domestic/adopting-parent-profiles.aspx

We also ordered our portfolio books, so we should get them next week. Snapfish had a summer sale and I got them for 50% off which was awesome!